I woke up with what I can only describe as the worst depression I’ve experienced this year. A wave of hopelessness, that I’m setting myself up for failure with all my plans and goals. That is what I felt. But I did what I’ve been doing for the past two weeks or so and went for a walk. I ate some strawberries beforehand, so I didn’t start my thirty minute journey empty stomached. This is what habits mean. You do things in spite of feeling contrary. This is why goals fail because it’s easy to be defeated by a goal. But a habit is a force of nature, it’s your body telling you MUST do something. It’s why horrible habits have this insidious effect on us.
My morning didn’t improve much, I ate breakfast with a slow, lifeless lethargy. I did my new habits with such disinterest, it felt like I wasn’t going to make it. But something funny happened. As I continued to do my new morning ritual, my mood was no longer severely depressed. It was merely functionally depressed and that is a feeling I can manage much better.
I talked to my best friend about what I felt and it was amazing. He helped pull me out of my funk by giving me a story about the dangers of rushing things. A personal story. An amazing story. And then we just laughed and had fun talking about weird shit. This is what I truly want in my friendships. A sense of companionship and understanding. That I’m never truly alone. And he gave me that.
Then one of my editors for my school paper contacted me to do a review. The feeling of importance was amazing. That I mattered was amazing. My writing is required. My A-game is required. Today is going to be good.